This ethical dilemma comes from a (presumably) real-world question sent in to Gawker. It caught my attention because we’ve talked about the mental model of information asymmetry, and this is an excellent example of how it plays out in life, as well as the six most common biological sexes found in humans.
The Ethical Dilemma:
“I’ve been best friends with two people since childhood – “Beth” and “Carrie.” About a year and a half ago, Beth started dating a guy, and promptly fell head over heels for him. Beth thinks that he may ask her to marry him. One thing that he doesn’t know about Beth is that Beth was born “Burt” – she had gender reassignment surgery shortly after finishing college. Beth has told us that she doesn’t plan on telling him this; Carrie believes that not telling him is wrong and has told me privately that if Beth doesn’t tell the guy about it, she will. Is that okay?” [Source: Gawker]
Considerations:
There are a host of unknown factors not mentioned. Has Beth informed her soon-to-be-fiancé of her infertility? Is that relevant to the marriage? Likewise, a majority of states in the United States do not consider gender reassignment surgery to be “real” and they also ban same-sex marriage, meaning that the fiancé will find himself in a situation where he may suddenly lose spousal inheritance rights, medical rights, and a host of other rights depending on the geographic area in which he ultimately lives. Is that relevant to the marriage? Telling the fiancé could destroy his relationship. Some people are happier remaining in ignorance. Telling the fiancé could ruin your friendship with Beth, whom you presumably love and enjoy having in your life (why else be friends?). Gender reassignment surgery requires on-going hormonal injections for life, which is an important medical and financial consideration. Is that relevant to the marriage? If this person becomes the husband of one of your best friends, it is likely you might develop a close friendship with him, as well, resulting in a future allegiance conflict depending upon your choice today.
The Questions:
Assuming the boyfriend does propose to your friend, Beth, and becomes the fiancé:
1. Would you inform him yourself?
2. Would you do nothing and let Carrie inform him, as she has made known her plan?
3. If the situation were reversed, would you want someone to inform you prior to marriage?
4. If someone did know prior to marriage, and didn’t inform you, how would you feel upon discovering it years later?
5. Do you have any obligation to Beth to keep her secret?
6. If you opt not to tell, or to actively stop Carrie from informing the fiancé, are your decisions made on the basis of doing what you believe to be right or an attempt to avoid social conflict?
Think about it. Answer for yourself in private. Or talk amongst yourselves.
By thinking through ethical dilemmas, it is often easy to identify flaws in one’s own thought process, areas of bias, as well as to reveal your true motivations, priorities, and values. They are one of the most valuables tools I use in my own arsenal to improve clarity of thought.
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Reader Comments (9)
Comments are presented chronologically, with replies indented beneath the comments to which they respond.
Jeff
October 17, 2013
I would probably inform Beth that I can't abide by her behavior and will give her a set amount of time to spill the beans before I do it myself. My only other choice is to refuse to be part of their lives. If Beth thinks the relationship is going to work out with this level of dishonesty, she is not ready for marriage anyway. Knowing the medical history of a possibly lifelong mate is paramount. As well as the fact that the boyfriend (who by all appearances is a swell guy) cannot make a informed decision about his life with Beth if this is being kept from him. Sorry Beth, if I have to choose between two people, I'm going to pick the one who isn't undermining the relationship before it even starts. The resulting relationship would be too painful to watch.
By the way, Josh, I can't help but remember a post you did examining the types of people who write into self help gurus like Dear Abby. To my amusement, the situation you describe above seems remarkably similar.
Steve
October 17, 2013
Beth should never have let it get that far! Carrie should be second guessing herself for supporting her to that point.
I can see her maybe having one date to introduce yourself to the guy and give him a chance to know her without that factor, but she would have to tell him before a second date - and definitely before any level of intimacy.
If he likes her and is ok with her unusual history, they they can develop an intimate relationship, and perhaps a future marriage. But if they have any kind of relationship where he has been kept in the dark that is deceitful.
Andrew
October 17, 2013
If I was Beth I would have told my fiancé however it's her choice and it's not Carries place to interfere.
A man's perspective
October 18, 2013
I would try and explain to Beth the repercussions of both
telling him early on or after marriage (as he’s bound to find out eventually);
and go through all the possible outcomes that I can see in doing both, I would
mention every silver lining I can see; and try to go through the damage and
scars such a revelation would leave on both situations.
Probably would share the fact that im faced with a
similar dilemma of having a genetic disease and not sure how and when to disclose
it to my spouse to be; so reading a little on that would probably help.. Yet I can’t
help but being bias to the fact that a spouse should disclose all their baggage’s
to each other early on in marriage, if they hope for a successful partnership
and a sustainable venture (Easily Analogized with companies mergers).
As for disclosing such info for the "Fiancé”, that
is a thing I would never do. As it’s not even remotely my place to do so, and I
would only consider such an act if the situation is life threatening and me
doing so would save or prevent a serious physical injury to a life (as for
emotional damage that’s completely objective to the person & could vary
from life altering to pretty much dusting yourself and moving on).
Anon
October 18, 2013
I think it boils down to the Golden Rule (do unto others...). I would want someone to tell me. Ergo, I would drop an anonymous e-mail or letter in the mail. It might not be explicitly stated; it might state: "Go ask Beth about Burt and tell Beth if she doesn't, I will!"
Frankie
October 18, 2013
Considering the knowledge of neurological gender discussed in another article, this is a tough one.
Top Considerations:
1. If the brain is in fact female, would the male organ then be considered a birth defect? Is that really critical? Should we then raise a stigma based on lack of understanding?
2. Given the anatomical complications with a male-female transition (to be blunt: getting wet) and the need for external support in this area, the partner would have to either:
- Lie, making up a reason for the problem [wrong thing to do]
- Have already confessed, perhaps something they keep between themselves [right thing to do]
2a. Considering #2, it is possible that Beth's partner already knows, or has a good idea, and chooses to overlook it. The fact that other people know could be a determining factor in ending the relationship [insert feigned shock by partner to avoid social repercussions]. The thought of the sex change could be a minor factor, while the thought of others being aware of the situation could be major.
Frankie
October 18, 2013
Replying to Frankie
This is not counting the fact that theyve surely discussed children. Has Beth lied?
The numbers keep adding up to the possibility that Beth's partner knows, and they just choose to not tell people he knows to avoid the social backlash.
Brian Jacobs
October 18, 2013
Personally I find it morally reprehensible, that we have degenerated to the point in our society that integrity is optional. Separate the gender from the argument.
The query should be Is it prudent to tell your friend they are involved with someone who does not have integrity?
As a society we have migrated away from virtue in favor of situational ethics,
Des
October 22, 2013
Ack! No, Carrie should mind her own business. Beth and Fiance's relationship is theirs to manage. If the only issue was the infertility, would Carrie be so quick to meddle? I'm betting not, though it is arguably more germane to the success of the marriage. People have a visceral reaction to others who are transgendered, and then try to rationalize their gut feelings by citing "integrity" as the reason they are so riled about it.
Beth should tell her fiance, but it is her secret to share and no one else's. She needs to be the one to bring it up and have that conversation, and giving her an ultimatum and a deadline is wrong. A better choice for Carrie would be to lovingly support Beth, and encourage her to tell Fiance herself.