Give Yourself Permission To Be Disliked
Years before I was to make my entrance into this world, one of my older family members, born and raised deep in the Bible Belt, was a devout disciple of a certain televangelist. She worked at a major employer in her area and no matter how friendly she was, no matter much she went out of her way to be useful and engaging, there was a person at the company who utterly despised her to the point this individual couldn’t conceal their disdain. Exasperated, my family member called the prayer line of the televangelist and was connected to one of the preacher’s faith partners. My family member pleaded, “Please pray with me to have God to change this coworker’s heart so they like me. I’m friends with everybody. There’s no reason they hate me so much.”
The lady on the other end of the phone was quiet for a moment. When she finally spoke, she asked, “Who told you that everybody was going to like you? You weren’t promised that. In this world, there are going to be people who hate you for one reason or another, perhaps even without justification. As long as you’ve examined yourself and are sure it’s not something you’re doing wrong, if you’ll let me, I’d instead like to pray with you that God helps you find peace with the situation so it doesn’t steal your joy and you can move on to more edifying things.”
Say what you will about the televangelists of a generation ago but there was a great wisdom in what that woman said.
To the extent that is possible and moral, your source of happiness in life cannot come from other people’s perceptions of you, it has to come from an inner scorecard. Many people are going to dislike you, some strongly, for reasons small and great. Sometimes, it is because you remind them of a person they loathe or an experience that angers them. Sometimes, it’s because your basic psychological makeup doesn’t mesh with theirs. Frequently, it’s due to different culture codes. If you are successful or excel in a particular area, add a few extra helpings of disdain. Say something that challenges a belief they have, triggering cognitive bias, and the defense mechanisms kick in so their first response is to attack you personally rather than your ideas. More than a few times in your life, you will meet someone who hates you simply because you are happy, loved, and successful. On the flip side, there are those who will look down on you because you are poor and unlucky. In a lot of cases, you are nothing more than a blank wall upon which they project their biases, assumptions, associations, and beliefs. They will grab on to some snippet of you – your height, your hair, your skin color, your name, your accent, your education, your occupation – and build an entire profile in a matter of seconds, filling in the blanks with things that may not in any way resemble who you are, what you believe, what you value, or how you behave.
The higher your profile rises in life, the more you are going to be disliked. The key is to be disliked by the right people. You can tell a lot about the quality of a person by the nature of their enemies. When Charlie Munger had the Mutual Savings and Loan Association resign from the United States League of Savings Institutions on May 30th, 1989, using words like “flawed”, “disgraceful”, “cancer”, “significant carcinogenic agent”, “obdurately”, and “self-serving nonsense”, it didn’t do much for his reputation with certain quarters made up of men who thought him arrogant, elitist, and sanctimonious. It also didn’t change the fact that he was right. Of course, learning to mitigate this as much as possible is in your own self-interest but there’s a difference between strategic behavior and internalizing something so that you’re handing over the keys to your happiness to others.
If you want to go far in life, you are going to have to get over the idea that you need a stamp of approval from everybody. You don’t need anyone’s permission to succeed. In fact, it makes it considerably more difficult. You can be the Ritz Carlton or you can be the Super 8, doing extraordinarily well as either. You should not attempt to be both because you will fail. No matter what you choose, the vitriol will flow the higher you rise so make sure you are happy with your selection. You cannot be all things to all people.
The same is true even in the small day-to-day interactions. If you donate food, someone is going to complain about the recipe. If you offer to make the decorations, someone is going to complain it wasn’t how they would have done it. This cannot be avoided. Instead, make sure that you’re behaving with integrity. Improve yourself as much as you can each day and use objective data as much as possible to check that your output is the best you are capable of producing. Be fair and just even when you don’t feel like it. Never apologize for the victories you’ve won or the blessings you’ve been given. Always, in every situation, be the better person not for them, but for yourself, because you hold yourself to a higher standard. You won’t always live up to those standards but forgive yourself and get on with it. Don’t go along with nonsense just because it’s popular. Be kind to people but not to ideas. (This notion that has arisen in the past few years that all ideas are equally valid and that all beliefs are equally worthy of respect is asinine.)
Since I began this post with a story involving religion, let me borrow a concept from Dolly Parton, who is herself devout. When you find yourself on the flip side, tempted to lose your temper or dismiss someone entirely, try to take a moment and see what she called the “God light” in them; the piece of divinity – whether you believe that is a specific entity or, to paraphrase a scientist, the great cosmic stardust that animates us all, forged in the fires of creation billions of years ago – that makes them worthy of love. My dad taught us this concept when we were kids by pointing out when we were driving or at a stoplight, “Look at all of the other cars. Each of those people has a life that matters to them; people who love them. Dramas are unfolding in their lives right now. They have things they’re worried about and things they’re looking forward to experiencing. Never forget that. They matter.”
It’s easy to behave better when you think about it that way. Maybe they are reacting to you in fear. Maybe they’re bored. Maybe, heaven help them, they’re truly dumb and don’t know any other way. Maybe they’re simply cruel or evil. Maybe they’re broken; damaged beyond repair and you’re getting a piece of the shard caught in your foot as you walk by them. Whatever it is, no matter how you respond, if you respond at all, come from a place of love. (Love is not necessarily synonymous with nice nor is nice synonymous with good.) That doesn’t mean opening the door, again, or allowing someone back into your life but it does mean having a basic respect for the dignity of another person. This is a lot easier when you know who you are, and are confident in yourself.
Each of us is given such a short window of time on this Earth to experience life. You have to do you. Let others say what they will. Go after what it is you want, spend your time surrounded by people you love and who love you, and shine. We’re here for but a blink. Do you really want to waste it?
Reader Comments (24)
Comments are presented chronologically, with replies indented beneath the comments to which they respond.
stegner
June 4, 2016
For me, I always try to remember that we were all once a tender, open and heartfelt child. Life tumbles each stone differently. But we all start a brait, and it's still down there somewhere.
mikecrosby
June 4, 2016
I'll tell you what, I never thought with some things one could still find the bad side. But with the internet, I can count on it. There's a lot of bitter, vicious, half glass full world out there.
Joshua Kennon
June 4, 2016
Replying to mikecrosby
I understand and agree with you completely. I think what happens is that well-adjusted, happy people tend to be surrounded by other well-adjusted happy people. It's easy to forget such negative folks exist when you don't see them, work with them, or associate with them.
The Internet has changed society in ways I don't think we'll be able to fully appreciate in our lifetimes. It might take the perspective of historians looking back, removed from it, to grasp the breadth and scope. Men and women who didn't have a voice a generation ago, either because of temperament or mental disorder, who otherwise would have fallen off the radar and spent their life (I don't mean this dismissively, I mean it in a literal, matter-of-fact sense) living in their parents' basement without ever contributing anything to their fellow many or having any redeeming qualities of any kind can hide behind the perceived anonymity of an avatar, venting their frustrations and spewing venom at the world. It's exacerbated by the fact most people tend to behave differently when not showing their face or real name. (The general rule I try to follow in life: If you wouldn't say something to someone's face, don't say, or write it, at all.)
PastIsPrologue
November 16, 2016
Replying to Joshua Kennon
Bravo! - This should be taught to all third graders as part of their social media training (well, once social media training is offered).
onlyalittle
June 4, 2016
I wish I had read this when I overheard some people openly jeering at me and my partner because we are an interracial couple. He didn't react at all and I didn't understand why. I think he happened to understand what you are saying in this post. This is something I still need to internalize.
Joshua Kennon
June 4, 2016
Replying to onlyalittle
I'm about to take my afternoon break but I wanted to respond to you before I get distracted with what's on my task list. It's one of those times I'm going to take the long, winding road to get to my point because it's as much me thinking out loud as anything else so forgive me for the lack of brevity.
In this particular post, I referenced that earlier Dolly Parton case study I did (I've really been meaning to upload more of them but with everything going on, it's been moved to the back burner). I had, and still have, a habit of opening case study files on anyone and anything I think can teach me something; ideas and practices I can take for myself in the same way Sam Walton didn't invent retailing, he perfected it. One of the other case studies from early in my life was RuPaul Andre Charles. It seemed incredible to me that in the 1990s, a 6'4" or 6'7" gay black man dressed as a woman could not only become beloved by much of America, but make millions of dollars doing whatever he wanted, creating a job (and these days, an empire) out of thin air. A quarter-century ago, in a world of Jerry Falwell, being gay remaining technically a crime in much of the United States, and places like Mississippi still insisting upon refusing to ratify the constitutional amendment that ended slavery, that seemed to me like a miracle. There was something there I could learn. I had to understand it. Like with Dolly Parton, there was so much there that I'm convinced I could teach a business course on it. It was one of the most important early case studies of my life. The man shattered the mold and allowed me to pick and choose certain aspects that worked for my skill set and personality.
(To explain the particular line from my case study notes, and why it stuck with me for decades, I'm going to have to give you a couple of quotes from him, which contain really offensive language so I apologize in advance.)
RuPaul's mother, Toni Charles, was Creole through-and-through. She apparently swore like a sailor and was quite a character. When the topic of overcoming adversity came up, RuPaul was far more candid, and far more authentic, than a lot of successful people, saying, "I spent most of my life being called a n*gger, tr*nny, f*ggot. My mother always told me, 'Unless they're paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind.' and 'It's not your business what anybody else thinks about you.'" Those two pieces of advice are extraordinarily powerful no matter who you are. You cannot hold your joy hostage to their small thinking or fear.
In my case, as far as words and what not, writing so visibly on the Internet since I was a teenager had a powerful inoculation effect. The first few thousand pieces of hate mail and it starts rolling off your back most of the time. You realize quickly how little people actually read or care, you're just an idea to them. It's not personal, they're just lazy. (Seriously, go look at the research as to how little of a page most people read on the Internet. Long form content is dying and everything is becoming TMZ-like clickbait because that is what sells.) People don't actually want to know your opinion or who you are, that would take too much time. I've had people write me and condemn me for being a conservative on the same day others write me and condemn for being a liberal, sometimes reading the same piece. There was a period four or five years ago where I had a good number of people from Eastern Europe write me and say they deeply hate Jews but are rethinking their stance because they like me (they were apparently under the mistaken impression that I'm Jewish because they were not familiar with the American Christian practice of naming male boys Biblical names like Michael, Caleb, Aaron, Joshua, Isaac, Isaiah, Adam, etc.) I can't tell you how many people for the first 15 years of my writing thought I was a financial planner trying to sell them something, viscerally getting angry when they realized I wasn't. They wanted - needed - something that allowed them to dismiss whatever it was I wrote because it caused them cognitive bias. They actually thought I was lying in that I had nothing to gain by telling them it was dumb to pay 50x earnings for Coca-Cola back at the tail-end of the dot-com boom or that real estate wasn't particularly intelligent when the cap rates have no margin of safety. It was never as bad as Dr. Jeremy Siegel getting death threats when he wrote about the stupidity of the valuation assigned to AOL but they're brutal.
I still deal with it from a safety perspective, though. I mentioned in the comment section of a post about a month ago that one of the reasons Aaron and I might be willing to deal with the California tax situation is because, being out there for several weeks when we were evaluating different cities and towns, it was so different in that we actually began to relax. I don't talk about it much - it's one of those things we either have to change or accept so there's no point whining about it - but I mentioned something that people tend to take for granted: In our entire lives, not once have we been able to reach out and grab the other's hand without doing a quick risk assessment of our surroundings (and we're two young, healthy guys near 6'). I have to be careful if I want to put my arm around him in a movie. People don't realize how wildly different various regions of the country are. It's not so much the looks that would bother us - we're both fairly immune to other's opinions of us to the point we sometimes come off as arrogant given our psychological makeup - it's the trade-off of safety relative to the benefit in that moment. When we were out in Southern California or even parts of Chicago, nobody cared. Other married couples were walking around with their kids, hand-in-hand, living life no different than blonds and brunettes going about their day. In that respect, I understand what you are saying and what you were feeling on a personal level.
Abe
June 5, 2016
Replying to Joshua Kennon
Reading this made me realize how privileged I am to be a heterosexual. The concept of having to check my surroundings before I hold my wife's hand or hug her for fear of retribution is so.... foreign. Living in Southern California, it doesn't even register on our radar who's holding hands (heterosexuals, homosexuals, interracial). Some areas are more accepting than others of course (Palm Desert, Palm Springs, San Diego).
For selfish reasons, I do hope you end up choosing Southern California! I'd love to show you and Aaron around Mexicali. It has all the amenities of a large urban city, and the current exchange rate allows you to sample it all without it denting the pocket book. There's also significant room for real estate investments around Riverside and Imperial Valley county, which I imagine you'd eventually like to expand into.
onlyalittle
June 23, 2016
Replying to Joshua Kennon
Thanks so much for responding. It feels like you wrote from the heart, and I appreciate that. I read this a few hours after you wrote it, or maybe the day after and I have not forgotten it.
I have to thank you for explaining your experience with people as a prominent writer on the Internet. I've had my suspicions about people, but it's good to have a confirmation. I've been reminding myself about this a lot lately--not just about my relationship with my SO, but in general. It's easy for me to feel self-conscious about everything. I had assumed that I would just grow out of it, but I haven't.
Safety was definitely a concern with this incident. (And the Orlando tragedy reminds me that America still has a way to go before everyone can feel safe to love who they love.) But I think the bigger concern at the time was that these strangers thought our relationship was a laughingstock, that it couldn't possibly have been serious, that it wasn't real, that there was something wrong with one or both of us. I hated that these people could think this about us without knowing a single thing about us.
The incident taught me to be less judgmental of others, and not to speak unkindly of people I didn't know.
jack's smirking revenge
June 4, 2016
Yes yes, but one thing you don't have permission on is this new, terrible grey text on grey background color scheme 🙂
Joshua Kennon
June 4, 2016
Replying to jack's smirking revenge
Haha! I'm actually working on a Windows system at the moment and it's shocking how much harder it is to read compared to the iMacs we normally use. It darkens it considerably. A few hours ago, I actually had the thought, "Maybe I should ask Aaron to increase the text brightness a touch ..." It's crazy how much better it looks on Apple products; night and day.
Mr.owenr
June 4, 2016
My g-d this post made me so angry this morning when I read it!
I guess that's part of the poverty code in me, but not part of the 'i'm rich' code in Joshua. Doesn't really matter now, since I want to go far in life, guess I'll just force myself over the whole stamp of approval from everyone thing.
There is this man at work who doesn't like me, and actively tries to get me fired. He doesn't hide it. Since I have to spend half my life at work, or 12 hours a day, I've been trying to win him over. It would be nicer. Thanks to your advice this next week I'm just going to focus on myself and not worry about it. I don't have to be liked by everybody. (I just wish I was liked by somebody, at times).
Thanks!
K.
June 6, 2016
Hi Joshua, what do you think about the concept of letting go of people in your life? I've had an experience of meeting the most manipulative person I've ever met a few years ago, someone who reached out to me in friendship, we became friends, and then it all went downhill. Now I want her nowhere near me, no association at all, and blocked on FB, but I feel some guilt about that too. I am asserting the shutoff. And we have some mutual friends and some common interests. Recently saw her after about a year and I behaved just fine, calmly. I'm much stronger now, knowing exactly the person and behavior I'm dealing with and she has zero impact or influence. Still I want to keep her blocked, I want her information-less about me and my life. That is an extreme case, but then, there's a question of being choosy about friendships. Or, maybe your closest friendships.
Ang
June 7, 2016
Replying to K.
Here you go: https://www.joshuakennon.com/mail-bag-what-ever-happened-with-erma/
Not sure if this will be one of the articles to be purged in Great Purge II but if he leaves it up you will have an exact answer
Huey
June 6, 2016
Great piece. Thank you~
AC
June 8, 2016
"To avoid criticism - say nothing, do nothing, be nothing"
Gilvus
June 8, 2016
TL;DR
Derek
June 9, 2016
Great post. This is another lesson I've had to learn as an adult, instead of always prioritizing harmony, agreement, and "getting along," as was pounded into me as a child at school and home. Don't go out of your way to be disagreeable or rude, but stand up for what you believe in and don't let others push you into not being the person you want to be.
caleb
June 13, 2016
One thing I would love you take on, Joshua, that this post reminded me -- how to disagree with someone politely, lol.
A lot of times in talking with people that aren't really true, close friends that I'd feel comfortable debating/disagreeing/setting straight or at least lively arguing with -- they'll start talking some nonsense. It's really tough to disagree/argue the other side (at least toe me) without feeling like I'm making the situation uncomfortable because of all the emotional/knee jerk reactions that people have when they encounter opposing viewpoints, etc
Most of the time, I just don't say anything or artfully steer the conversation to another direction ... I find that most people are so "bought into" their ideas/world view that a simple conversation (especially if it's someone you won't be seeing a lot of) won't change their mind, it will just upset or frustrate them and make them back their ideas more than ever.
Other times, if the situation calls for a "soft defense" of the opposing side I might use a little socratic dialogue -- asking pointed questions to get them to realize how dumb what they just said was lol. Or maybe just quote an opposing point of view in a more subtle way to make the point known.
I apologize because it's hard to explain all this without examples, but I find myself wondering how you handle most social interactions like this. Because I too publish on the internet and have the thick skin that comes from 1,000's of hate mail I have a feeling you also don't take things personally, but because most people are that conditioned you might have some of the same or better strategies for dealing with these types of situations.
b
June 21, 2016
I'm almost a little surprised, Joshua, that you didn't include explicitly what I read so clearly, at least coming through clearly from Dolly and the wise praying operator. Remember their god-light, remember yours. That helps too.
pax north
August 7, 2016
Bravo.
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John French
February 28, 2017
Sound advice,wonderfully written.Thank you!